That's what my out of office message says right now. It's true. I'm tired. It's crazy how much perspective space can gift you. I've realized that I love my job, but I love it and the people around me with all of my heart...which doesn't save much love for me at the end of the day. Back in November I had an inkling that I'd be in this place mentally right now, and I booked myself a ticket to the island. I had an intention. And I made that thought a reality. I have a knack for that sort of thing - you know, moving through life intentionally. Thank God, because I almost forgot how to breathe.
One year ago when I started this blog I shared some of the lessons I had learned in 32 years of life. I spoke of finally writing my book. Another intention. This intention, though, I haven't yet made a reality. Why? I lack motivation. I lack a muse. I lack energy. Towards the end of winter I wasn't myself. Uncertain. Negative. Confused. Frustrated. That's not me. I lost myself, and that's my fault and my fault only. Because I let it happen. ENTER...
Free of fretting about what's next. Free of worry. Free of thinking about others' and their feelings. For someone who is so loving and so open, this is challenging. But I've learned the importance of protecting myself and my energy, and being gentle with myself. Only when I am fully restored can I do justice in giving to others. So, I'm over here in Maui - hiking, floating in the ocean and staring up at the sky, praying, crying, smiling, laughing...I'm even running. It's day three and I already feel more relaxed.
I have a set of goddess cards from my great friend Katya I carry with me while I travel, along with a travel set of healing crystals. Stop laughing. Okay, you can laugh a little bit. It's weird, I know. But every so often, I like to put a question out into the Universe and see what the Universe has to say. Today it was telling. Telling of a space that my heart and mind are in. This is what they said:
Past: Maeve (Cycles and Rhythms) - Honor the cycles of your body, energy levels and emotions. Make time to rest and take care of yourself and seek support emotionally. Celebrate your femininity. Maeve is a very sexual goddess and favors Kings as lovers.
Present: Lakshmi (Bright Future) - Stop worrying...everything is going to be fine. There are no tests, blocks or obstacles unless you create them. Hush your mind and direct it towards a new energy of faith, hope and optimism. SHINE like everything around you. Think bright and it shall be bright. Visualize abundance. Create positive intentions. Lakshmi is a Hindu goddess who works with Ganesh (overcomer of obstacles).
Future: Freyja (Bold) - This is, by far, my favorite - and most often pulled - card. In fact, there are two of them in my deck. Unleash your adventurous side. Take risks and be daring. Don't play it safe now. Take bold action in the direction of your heart's desire. Make success your intention and it will come your way. Make a bold life change. Appreciate your body. Flirt. Have fun. She's a Nordic goddess of fertility, celebration and passion and she's unafraid of her sexual powers. She's fierce.
Yesterday as I was talking to a good friend, he reminded me that right now is a divine time for me. This break is well-placed in my life. He said to really consider what my heart's desire is. So I've been doing that. A lot. What do I want to do for my life's work? What do I want in a relationship? Do I want a family? Where do I find joy? Things like that. It's a journey. And you know what the definition of a "journey" is (I saw this on a greeting card in Mana Foods tonight)?
It doesn't say "easy to reach" does it? But nevertheless, I am on that seemingly never-ending journey which continues on here under the Maui sun and in her healing waters. But, for now, no social media. No work. Limited interaction with noise from the outside. Except for with the lizards and cane spiders. Focus inward and upward. Focus on healing. And I'm already feeling my spirits lift. Amazing how life works, isn't it?!
In closing, I feel compelled to share the words of a great friend, who lives her life loving deeply and knows the pain of loss and whom I deeply admire, of mine from our conversation earlier tonight. "Swim in the ocean for me...its my favorite thing in the world, I'm crying thinking about it...feel the first rush of water on your toes for me and the dive right in and stay submerged. Tumble in the rush for a bit. And then float on your back with the sun in your face, squinting. My mom and I always used to do that. Float for long chunks of minutes at a time." For you, dear Lauren, the world. And to the moon and back.
Don't worry...I'll write that book someday.
Aloha and Mahalo.